Lessons In Leaving

by The Pattern Traced

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released January 1, 2011

All songs written and perfomed by Jon Callender.



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Track Name: A Fire At One End, A Fool At The Other
Goodbye Midwestern life
Hello, who cares...
I've been angry and bitter and restless
See? I'm well aware

Here's how I deal with anxiety
Alcohol, sex and drugs
Just like the wrists and mascara of Emo girls, I always cut and run

As if I need direction
As if I seek forgiveness from figureheads
Spare me the pithy prologue
It's all hand-fed
And I can't help but bite back
I might be the greatest ingrate of all time
On a one-way guilt trip plotted by my poorly crafted prose
But I was right, at least this time
You’d ask me to prove it
Well, I’m still alive

Now you're a ghost and I’m your old house
Track Name: Thanks, Bye
Too late to take the high road now
Have to travel underground
Perfect place to be face down
Don't think I could face you now
While you ride your high horse
I shake the hands of time
Commemorate the last two years
And waste another rhyme

I spent the last two years of my life high

Yes, I feel the pressure
I contemplate each day
Maybe I should make a move, amends or move away
Out of this city
The beaten, circular path
And watch the numbers crunch
Under once romantic math
When the weather's right, we'll regrow this town
Well, the summer's dry
It might burn down
Track Name: Do You Want To Know Who I Really Am?
Gunshots in reverse
Sound waves are mended and nobody's been hurt
No need to argue
Over who saw who saw who fire first
Communication flees town
Mutual friends all sharing sentiments now
They lend an ear for you to vent
Before they go sell you out
At least that's what I've found

I don't belong in this crowd
And boy, does it stand out
But not in the good way
I'm more than some status update

Of course, the lineup is vague
Everyone looks just like you do every day
They force a smile
By a wall on which their height is displayed
At least I have an excuse
A derelict with intimacy issues
Just show me the time of day baby
I'll show you the proof

I live alone but I've filled up all my rooms
I have an ego so I don't need you
Track Name: Been Hooked (Get Me Off)
I found comfort in the dial tone
Hung up on real emotion
My fault lines are bound by skin and bone
Slip-ups mean things get broken
I still wear that same black ribbon
Tied tightly around my wrist
But the meaning has changed
To symbolize that I still exist

I know I've been hooked
But I bet you could get me off

If I looked better nude, I'd sell myself too
No happiness is true
Go buy what works for you

It wasn't that long ago
You were a rock and I was just stoned
I was losing control
Your inner-demons get easier to sleep with
When you're alone
But it works and so I called it love
But what did I know?
Track Name: The Direction In Which Lost Men Veer
Someone please distract me, preferably with hashish
Dinner and a movie, or whatever comes first
I seem to have these pipe dreams
that always end up empty
And leave my insides burning
When I can't afford to cope

And I would if I could, but I can't

Living in a trash heap with dialect and deadbeats
Mobile homes and hate speech
And a faulty sense of pride
I watch them wave the flag high
The one with only two stripes
They drink away the daytime, then they die

And I would if I could, but I can't

I dream, I grow, I love, I sing
But those aren’t the only things that matter to me
Track Name: Each The Other's World Entire
There's something strange about these droning chords
They make me feel like I could write 1,000 words
To try and summarize my life at 25
But when I need them most they struggle to survive
Like my father, who drank each day until his death
Now every time I leave a bar, he's on my breath
And in the morning I wake regretting what I've done
Like how I should have let him know he had a son who loved him

So I moved real far away to take a job
I thought it'd prove to everyone that I was strong
On the car ride down, I drove out all my fears
Watching dotted lines streamed past my eyes beside the tears
To this day, I still firmly believe that I have only been in love once
And if I ever get the chance to erase past damage I've done I will not run
Track Name: Our Marketable Version Of The Truth
I always thought those car-crash metaphors were sort of weak
Until one happened to me
Even though I should have seen it as a wake-up call
Well, I dozed off
Repaving splintered streets and drinking anti-freeze

Let's let money trump family for now
Like the house you own but only rent out

And now it seems like trust has been replaced by revenge
Oddly, it took your needs to make me needy
It's got me taking cues from unresolved issues that you seem to have with your family
But I am not like them
I am no other men
Track Name: Enough
You always said that I was your "favorite son"
It was a joke -- I was your only one
I think I fell for that line a hundred times

We were a bridge hastily built between
The life you had lived
And the one that you hoped I'd lead
But then I grew up
Things changed and you called it quits
A man dug a hole, a family filled it in

I've had enough of love
I've had too much

If you've lost somebody, throw your hands up
If you miss somebody, throw your hands up
If you love somebody, throw your hands up
If you need somebody, throw your hands up

I've got this head full of worries
I'm only a few years from thirty
Still I have these dreams that I can't seem to realize
Maybe I lack the right partner
Maybe I'm trying too hard
Or maybe I ....
Well, what does maybe mean anyway?
Track Name: Shoot The Instant Messenger
My body aches
It's broken down from running away
1200 miles and seven state lines
The Great Lakes have been good to me
But I need new routines, an ocean breeze
And some place I can rest my head
Without it soaking up your scent

Sometimes I can't escape
And my blood starts boiling
I drink so I can cancel it out

I pay the toll it takes
I'm on the turnpike, headed your way
With the grace and style of a jackknifed semi
Your "maybes" don't mean shit to me
I need some certainty to comfort me
And some place I can rest my head
Without it soaking up your scent

Now we only talk in text

It truly was a night quite unlike any else
I slept without a stir, you almost killed yourself
The call crept in like a haunting dream
Ironically, it ended with you dead to me

Now we only talk in text

It makes me want to shoot the instant messenger in the chest
And watch the smoke billow from the bullet hole
To show that there was nothing left
It had already been wrecked
You meant the world to me
Turns out that wasn't enough
Maybe I am just in denial
Or not quite cut out for love
You needed "time to find yourself"
In other words, go get drunk
I need to get my shit together and stop giving a fuck
Track Name: The Perks Of Being Bob Dylan's Son
I'll just go ahead and say it first
I miss you every single day and it hurts
My bone structure just makes things worse
I took my journey to become a man
Got lost and ended up in Dixieland
Now I'm stranded on the witness stand, like a stray raising my right hand

Of course I swore that I would tell the truth
But God can't help me if he couldn't help you
Plus, I'm biased and a bit aloof
But if you're really looking down on me
I hope the view isn't too startling
Because I got a funny feeling this is how I'll always be

Like a swelling, angry sea will always breach the last levee
We can't hold on
At the end of every day, we're all essentially man made
We can't hold on
As that poison slowly seeps into your heart to stop its beat
We can't hold on
All the things we love the most will slowly rot from coast to coast
We can't hold on

No more miss you's measured in miles
Just memories and might-have-beens
Optimists say it's only awhile
Atheists say that it is the end
I guess for now it's the end

I loved you
I still do